Category: Personal blog

A treasury of SPAM, ancient and modern.

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Urgent missives from Stella Bacon

Made20baconThis short letter–care of Miss S Bacon–doesn’t quite reach the literary heights achieved by her more creative countrymen.

In fact, it’s so short I can reproduce the whole thing in a single block quote:

Hello Dear,My name is Stella Bacon, I saw your profile today and become interested in you. Please reply to me at (stella.bacon110@yahoo.co.uk) I have much more to discuss with you.Thank you.Stella,

I’m flattered to have aroused interest in any member of Nigeria’s ruling house, however many degrees removed from the throne.

Particularly a princess with the name “Stella Bacon”.

I suspect it’s an anglicisation of something far more romantic; it has the rootless glamour of a female impersonator’s stage name.

My only regret is that Miss S Bacon’s email doesn’t go beyond mere interest. Where does she come from? What are her dreams? Who is she and who does she hope to be?

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Lady Pamela H Swan raps about mother earth, scripture and greatly abused media

map-of-west-africaSurely there’s no more tender image than a rich widow of a certain age weeping into the arms of her spiritual advisor, Father Henry Morgan, about global poverty.

What I find most interesting about this letter isn’t so much the dramatic use of capital letters or the strategic deployment of scripture — who doesn’t love Psalm 41? — or the notion of a “reliable bank in West Africa” but the use of lengthy ellipses trains.

In fact, this letter confirms what I’ve long suspected: a widow’s trustworthiness is in direct proportion to the length of her ellipses trains.
Can she trust you?
CAN I TRUST YOU?I HAVE WILLED THE SUM OF $17,250,000.00USD TO YOU…………FOR THE HELP OF THE POOR
Hello Dear,
Though this internet medium has been greatly abused, but I chose to reach you through it because it still remains the fastest medium of communication.
However, this correspondent is unofficial and private. Please give me this little chance to explain myself to you, I would have loved to meet you in person before departing this mother earth but my illness continues to deprive me of the chance, but I know I am strong even if I die in the process of this operation I will still praise ALMIGHTY GOD for accomplishing my desire.
I am Lady Pamela H Swan, a widow to late Sir Thomas Swan. I am 63 years old suffering from chronic cancer of the lungs. From all indications, my condition is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that I may not live more than two months after my next surgery in LONDON.
My personal physician told me that I may not live for more than 2 months and I am so scared about it. I have no child of mine, even though I wish to have It is late now you know, since I cannot get married again, and age is no longer on my side.
 Psalms 119:116: Uphold me according unto
thy word, that I may live, and let me not
be ashamed of my hope.
Psalms 138: 7: Though I walk in the midst of
trouble, thou will revive me……
psalms 41:1: Blessed is he that considereth the
poor, the Lord will deliver him in time
of trouble.
Two of my favorite verses: Philippians 2:27: For indeed he was sick nigh unto death, but God had mercy on him & that on him only, but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow. (I always say this in my mind)
In view of this, I decided to donate all my life savings, combined with that  of my Late husband, which totals the sum of $17,250,000.00USD (seventeen million and two hundred and fifty thousand dollars) to you for humanitarian purposes by establishing a foundation in your country under our name, so as to immortalize the SWAN FAMILY.

This money was deposited in a reliable bank in West Africa.

Presently, I have informed my Attorney about my decision in WILLING this fund to you, you are to get back to me immediately if you are interested in carrying out this task, so that I will instruct you on how to get in contact with my attorney and my account officer.
Lastly, I know I have never met you before, but in other to fulfill this which bothers me most, I prayed and fasted with my spiritual adviser, Rev. Fr. Henry Morgan and chose your address and my mind told me to inform you about this, It is also good to let you know that I shall bear the cost of transferring this fund to you, and I hope you act sincerely, please get back to me immediately with the following information:
 Your full name…………….
 Your mobile number…………
 Your age………………….
 Your sex………………….
 Your identification proof…..
Your occupation……………
 Your country and city………

I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others  in case I do not survive this major operation I am about to undergo now, but all I need now is prayers.

NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality and trust in this matter to accomplish my heart desire, as I don’t want anything that will jeopardize my last wish. Always respond to me here (misspamelaheleneswan@gmail.com).
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Of veritable sex partners, co-lesbians and close-to-the-chest conversations.

map-ghanaFor those who doubt that SPAM is the literary form of today, I proffer this letter as proof.

The Nigerian robot that penned this Sapphic romp through the last thirty or so years of North African/Middle-Eastern history strikes the perfect balance between the absurd and poignant.

It’s a rich tapestry of colourful and diverse threads.

It combines the tropes of the picaresque novel with the seductiveness of hard-boiled detective fiction.

There’s even a dash lively Cold War-esque paranoia (James Bond, but played with lesbians in Ghana).

The author of this letter didn’t just pinch the bricks from Virginia Woolf’s pockets. (S)he used them to create a magnificent, tragic edifice.

Dearest,

Sorry for this unsolicited email. I got your contact from my subsidiary group in your country.

In fact I was discussing with the group on the general business atmosphere in your country and other surrounding sub regional markets when your company was mentioned among several others that can be trusted in terms of business  relationship. However I was trying to solicit for your assistance and cooperation in respect of possibility to relocate UN-clarified and undocumented fund over seas for investment on high yields without traces to the fund owners.

I was recently in Mauritania for an exhibition and I was chanced to meet one Ms Aisha El Sanussi (one of the surviving daughters of the Abdallah El Sanussi the former chief security adviser to late Libyan leader Gadaffi)  who is currently in detention in Libya. We coincidentally met in an exclusively secluded Arab restaurant in Nouakchott and she mistook me for a lesbian that she happens to be a chronic practitioner and we cordially engaged in a “close to the chest” conversation when she knew I was a Ghanaian. As I became quite curious due to the fact of her parentage (daughter of  El Sanussi),

I pretended to be a co–lesbian and our conversation became very intimate to the point that she opted to confide in me. The amiable but distressed beautiful lady disclosed to me in confidence that she had in collaboration with her other siblings during the epic of late Gadaffi’s  last lap em-battlement with the opposition in Libya successfully moved a sum of US$50m to Ghana through the assistance of a former Libyan Diplomat then based in Ghana during the late Leader’s reign. Ms Aisha El Sanussi went further to reveal to me that the fund is currently in a safe keeping deposit vault of a financial institution in Ghana. She was however circumspect with disclosing further details regarding the current status of the fund in focus including the name of the bank where the cash fund was kept.

Due to the trust she already developed in me more so when she considered me a veritable sex partner, Ms Aisha El Sanussi did solicit my assistance to source for a trusted investor that could be in position to assist the embattled family to relocate the fund over seas for investment. She directed me to her second cousin (a sheik) who is currently hiding out in a secluded location in Ghana. The sheik is being shielded from public cynosure by a high ranking public figure in the ruling NDC party here who was a very close friend of the late Libyan strong man. In my opinion, I considered your personality as a neutral foreigner without any previous relationship with the El Sanussi’s family as being very appropriate for the planned relocation of the fund over seas without traces.

I was assured of adequate compensation for your assistance and cooperation upon successful accomplishment of the planned financial endeavor. I have been opportune also to have held a very brief meeting with the sheik in an UN-disclosed location in respect of the subject matter and he seemed quite amiable just like her cousin even though he barely speaks English. We spoke through an Arab translator and he confirmed his readiness to cooperate with any of my accomplice that would be very trustful and confidential in handling of the planned transaction due to the very nature and peculiar circumstances of the fund from source. Please do endeavor to keep this transaction confidential, even if you do not wish to be involved. I will wait to receive from you regarding this matter including your suggestion on the way forward. You can however reach me on this email address: mrs.loistaylor02@gmail.com  or my telephone number

My regards,
Mrs Lois Taylor

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From Andre’s wife

Madam Jocelyn Andre really nails that Richardsonian tone perfectly in this letter.

What a does a childless woman, always cheerful with a desire to do good do in her spare time?

The answer is simple: fund a transnational humanitarian outfit with financial clout roughly commensurate with the GDP of a failed African principality.

With your permission I want you to present my sincere initiatives and proposals. In the spirit of faith, solidarity, humanity and common sense appeal to your wisdom and kindness as a human of this planet with the request friendship sustains me if you consider setting up a foundation for humanitarian work with 7.5 million American United States dollars inherited from my late husband who was an industrialist.

I decided to donate these funds because I have no child and my days are numbered according to my physician who always examines my health because I was diagnosed by cancer. I want you to use these funds nationally and internationally to people without hope, against which we must not be careless.

My name is Madam Jocelyn Andre Aged 50, and childless, always cheerful with a desire to do good and give those who need help. The principles which I rely in life are faith, humanity, solidarity, respect and trust.

Please always put me in your daily prayers so that God will grant more days to my leaving and confirm these funds into your hand. Hoping to hearing from you soonest with your information that I will submit to the bank for the transfer of this money to your account and your delays in replying to this message will create an avenue of searching for another person that will understand the nature of  my situation in other handle this donation funds gloriously to the Kingdom of God. Please reply urgently.

Send your name, your picture, your telephone and your occupation.

Remain blessed with your family.
Madam Jocelyn Andre

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Butch Otter and the Sundance Kid

It’s been a taxing week (boom boom) but this video proves that the Comic Muse will outstay even cockroaches when the Day of Doom finally dawns.

The least hilarious bit about this video is that the incumbent Governor of Idaho is called Butch Otter.

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